Friday, 9 April 2010

No Bake Post

Posted by Sweeter side of life at 22:05:00
Hey all, this post isn't about my bakes although it is about baking-my passion. I am only 18 years old this year, still single and i don't have lovely children :) thus i am pretty troubled by the amount of food that is always left at home.
My father isn't all that supportive of me baking thus he doesn't eat the food that i've made, my brother is too busy with church to be bothered with eating and my poor mother is health concious, she is worried about her cholesterol. Sometimes it makes me depressed that no one appreciates the things i've made. Usually what my readers see are just the better side of the picture, the ugly parts are hidden away, tucked under my bed, never to see daylight.
By ugly i mean occasional mishaps in the kitchen like how my cake didn't rise and how bad it looked. These are too raw to be seen by others, they'll feel sad for me. Sometimes i blame myself for unable to resist the food that i've made- i overeat and it makes me feel really bad (I am still struggling to control) I'll get annoyed for the whole day, sometimes throw my temper - which is very immature. The amount of ready-to-eat food i have at home makes me eat almost every hour and that is disastrous. At times i think; where is your discipline?? You are such a failure. I have all these negative thoughts that i never ever want to bake again, it is just too disgusting.
I know exercise helps but the food in the fridge and kitchen counter seems to be calling my name, trying to get my attention. Strangely enough, i responded to them! I know i shouldn't be doing this(thats what my brain is telling me), but subconciously, my hands reach towards the food, picks it up and sends them to my mouth. Amazingly, chewing starts, i salivate and swallows the food doun my digestive tract. Ah ha! You've just added more calories, now stop or you shall regret! (thats what my brain says) Well maybe part of body broke down, it no longer responds to my brain but only to my food. The whole episode repeats, maybe a few times ( all the while i am telling myself this will be my last bite but somehow it wasn't) Untill i don't know when but i'll stop eventually, right now i am probably staring into a half emptied cake box. !!! I've ate so much! (That's the actual realisation)
Afterwards, i start counting the calories i've taken in probably another 300 or so, i get really scared by now thinking of the fats that these extra calories can become. It is really daunting since i am not that sort of really skiinny girls who can never get fat no matter how much they eat. I think my body has a problem, it is really sensitive to calories.
Respondence level is almost immediate- it makes me want to cry at times. I start blaming myself again, when will these ever stop?
I am always sadded by the fact that i can cook- my mum hardly cooks for me. I really miss the days when i was young and my mum will cook meals for the family, i can hardly feel any warmth in the family now;It seems that no one cares about eating except for me. This results in me cooking up portions that's able to feed 2 or more but ended up all me my stomach since nobody's eating. It makes me feel horrible again, i am yearning for time to reverse to the period where i was in primary school, i ate what i like and didn't feel like i was getting fatter.( i think i didn't) Now it seems that whatever i eat makes me fat, am i having some eating disorder? My mother always comment that i'm weird and it makes me feel even worse than ever. My hands and legs are not proportionate at all. Is my passion spoiling my life? It could very well be on the road of swirling into my own vortex of darkness.
I Need strength from my wonderful god who gave me my talent and the chance to bake. I pray for your help, empower me to have greater control over what i do in this life you've planned for me. I want to glorify you :D Please help me to love myself for who i am no matter how fat i can become, perhaps you've planned for it to happen to...(my future husband likes fat girls? maybe?)

6 comments on "No Bake Post"

Alisa-Foodista on 10 April 2010 at 03:09 said...

You are very talented and I have read your posts and admire what you've already baked.You could still try making healthier recipes for your blog.I'm always looking for healthy options for desserts for my family.I pray that you will find the strength that you need and know that you have readers who wish you well.

Shirley said...

Hey YY, i'm very proud of you. you don't know how much i tell other people about you. I'm just like like many others who admire the food that you have made and a fan of you. Your food are wonderful. And you have a beautiful heart.Thank you for everything!:D

Sweeter side of life on 11 April 2010 at 00:35 said...

Hi thank you for your encouragement :) It is relieving to know that there are still so many people out there who really cares for me. I will be strong :D

Germaine Low said...

Hey Yan Ee, thanks for all the food you've made for us. :) I never knew there are such deep meaning to the things you bake. I always loved the food you bake.. biscotti.. the chocolate peanut butter cookie.. brownies.. and so many more that I've yet to taste!

Don't give up! If it's your passion, go for it. My mom loves baking too. We talked about you in some occasions, I told her you can make a lot of stuff. I told her you want to open her dream cafe with her too! (as in, you said you wanna be a shareholder, isn't it counted as co ownership? hehe)

I told my mom I wanna make her dream come true. We'll achieve it with God :D Let's all make our dreams come true.

I wouldn't mind sharing these calories with you! I bet the rest of us wouldn't mind either! :) Furthermore, it's so delicious, it's my privilege to be able to eat such nice food, and it's filled with homeliness and warmth.

Jia you :)

Bakertan on 4 May 2010 at 23:59 said...

hey girl,

look on the 'sweeter side of life' (pun intended) ya? there will always be other people appreciating what you have cooked or baked. You can always pass your baked goods to your neighbours or friends or your church mates I believe. I do that often so that I dont have to finish them all by myself. In fact I pass my baked goods to different group of friends.

I myself have my fair share of failure at baking too and many a times I feel the heart pain when I see the ingredients go to waste. Dont give up just yet. Its a learning process afterall to become a better baker. Jiayou and good luck! =]

Aimei on 9 August 2010 at 11:19 said...

Hey u know when I read this post previously, I thought u are a plump gal or something! Oh my god u r not lah... don't worry. Probably you have gained some weight as compared to the past but dun worry you look fine. Perhaps you can exercise more, eat slightly lesser and indulge in smaller portions. I did that too. I wanted to lost those I've gained ever since I started work but it's hard. So I just things easy. There are people who do appreciate, just that not many will be able to finish all. Share with your friends, etc...

Nice meeting you yesterday. Next time you can visit my new house and we can share our bakes together. wanna add me in msn? :)

By the way, i like your healthy cookie yesterday. Can you share the recipe with me? ;)


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